


These Thoughts are an Illness

by PoorUnfortunateSoul



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:02:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7747810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoorUnfortunateSoul/pseuds/PoorUnfortunateSoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The itch under his skin is back, and he can’t believe that the first time he’s felt insecure about his relationship is because of a fucking shirt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Thoughts are an Illness

**Author's Note:**

> BokuAkaKuroTsuki Week Day one: Firsts

These Thoughts are an Illness

 

   _I hate this_ , Akaashi thinks as he watches his boyfriends file in, _why do I hate this?_

He _should_ be proud of them right now, having just ran for three hours for a breast cancer fundraiser, but he’s not. There’s a distinct itch under his skin that won’t fade, and he’d rubbed his arm raw trying to get it to by the time his boyfriends made it back to the car.

 

      He wants it to have started because Kuroo wrapped him up in a big, sweaty hug when he first saw him, or because Bokuto gave him a slobbery kiss, which is his way when he’s feeling lazy. Or because Tsukishima hadn’t hugged or kissed him at all, but he knows that’s not it; that it’s not something rational.

 

      It’s the fucking ‘I <3 Boobies!’ shirts Kuroo and Tsukishima have on, and the ‘Save the Breasts’ bracelets Bokuto has stacked on his arm, and irrational connects his brain is making.

 

      His boyfriends all disperse, Tsukishima to make dinner, Kuroo and Bokuto to play video games, leaving him in the entryway by himself. Akaashi cups his own breast with his hand and grimaces.

 

      The itch under his skin intensifies.

 

-

 

      The three of them have been dating since Kuroo and Bokuto’s last year of high school. Now, three years later, they’re all living together.

 

      In all of that time, none of them had ever been allowed to touch Akaashi’s breasts. He’d always preferred to pretend like they don’t exist, and focus intently on a time when they – hopefully – won’t.

 

      Lately, though, he’d been letting them. Bokuto had been excited, Kuroo surprised. Tsukishima had appeared indifferent, but on the rare occasions he let Akaashi snuggle up to him, boob grabbing had been added to their little sessions. The only difference between Kuroo and Bokuto and Tsukishima is that the blond’s touches never really seemed sexual.

 

       The itch under his skin seems satisfied, having been driven by insecurity and the irrational fear that his boyfriends would leave him, but there was something new now, dragging him down.

 

      Akaashi has never dealt with body dysphoria much. His chest has always been flat enough to hide, and his facial features are sharp enough for him to appear like a ‘pretty boy’ more than a girl. Puberty hadn’t hit his body as hard as Oikawa, so he doesn’t have the feminine hips and curves that his mother used to be sorry she wouldn’t be passing along to him.

 

      He didn’t have to deal with periods anymore after the first one. The pains had been so great that his doctors had given him something to make them stop entirely.

 

      He wonders, as he stares at his naked chest in disgust, if this is what it feels like. He _feels_ , like he wants to peel himself out of his own skin.

 

      It doesn’t feel right; it almost feel constricting, and like he’s being forced into a cramped box that he’s too big for.

 

      Something pink, and vibrant pulls him from his graying thoughts. Kuroo’s ‘I <3 Boobies!’ shirt lies on the floor, and Akaashi gags at the sight.

 

      The itch under his skin is back, and he can’t believe that the first time he’s felt insecure about his relationship is because of a fucking _shirt._

 

-

 

      Everything comes to a head eventually. It always does, with Akaashi.

 

      He bottles up his emotions and thoughts until it leads to a mental breakdown and – admittedly – unhealthy coping mechanisms. Luckily, his boyfriends have figured out the signs to stop it from getting there.

 

      Akaashi is a much touchier person than people give him credit for. He lives for Kuroo’s absent-minded head massages, Bokuto’s crushing hugs and Tsukishima’s hesitant hand holding. He could cuddle up to someone for hours and be completely content.

 

      So when Akaashi draws in on himself, and shies away from any touch that isn’t his chest, they know they have to do something.  

 

      The opportunity comes one night, when the three of them go out. Akaashi claimed that he didn’t feel well, and with his sickly pale skin and dark circles, it was believable.

 

      When they return, Kuroo finds him standing in front of the mirror. He’s giving his reflection the same look he gives Bokuto when he’s completely exhausted him. His hands are on his chest, pressing against them in attempts to make them smaller.

 

      “Watcha doing?” Kuroo asks, and Akaashi shrieks.

 

      The noise sends the other two running, and suddenly all three of them are staring at him, wide-eyed. Though he knows it’s all something they’ve seen before, the thought of them all seeing him shirtless right now is too overwhelming, and he’s quickly dissolving into sobs.

 

      Bokuto the first to move, wrapping his arms around Akaashi’s shoulders and using his own body to shield the younger boy’s from the others. Tsukishima tosses them a shirt, and Bokuto yanks it over the sobbing boy’s head.

 

      Akaashi glances down and that disgusting, vibrant pink makes him squint. He chokes on a sob. Of _course_ that would be the shirt they give him.

 

      “’Kaashi?” Kuroo says, gently running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

 

      Akaashi looks up and through misty eyes, notices that they’ve all crowded him now. Bokuto squished to his front, Kuroo at his back and Tsukishima trying to worm his way to the side.

 

      With all them looking at him like that, with those concerned faces full of love, he can’t stop himself from blurting out, “Will you all still love me after I have top surgery?”

 

      Bokuto pulls back and Kuroo’s fingers falter.

 

      Tsukishima is the only one collected enough to ask, “Why wouldn’t we?”

 

      Akaashi looks back down at the shirt, and tugs on it self-consciously.

 

      “Because I won’t have… _boobies,_ anymore,” he mutters, and that seems to make it click for them.

 

       The room is quickly filled with squawks of unconditional love and a few ‘that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard’s from Tsukishima. He squished in the middle of more hugs, and Kuroo kisses the side of his head.

 

      “We aren’t going anywhere, Akaashi,” he says, and the other two nod eagerly.

 

      “If anything, we’ll love you even more after you’ve had it!” Bokuto chirps. “You know, because you’ll be happier.”

 

      “I don’t think that make sense,” Akaashi says bluntly, making the other two laugh.

 

      Tsukishima taps his nose to get his attention.

 

      “Akaashi, none of us care about what you decide to do with your body when it comes to that stuff,” he says, “we only care about the happiness you get from it. If it would make you more comfortable with yourself, we’ll start saving up for it right away.”

 

      Akaashi laughs wetly and hooks his arms around Tsukishima’s neck.

 

      “Hey,” Kuroo murmurs, suddenly close to his ear, “talk to us next time, okay?”

 

      Akaashi nods before nuzzling himself closer to Tsukishima’s chest. They all know it’s a lie; he’s never been one to be open with his feelings. He’d much rather focus on everyone else’s, and worry about himself later.

 

      But they all also know that they’ll always be there to pick each other up when they’re down.   

**Author's Note:**

> Well, after a few weeks of no motivation (anxiety can fuck right off, honestly), getting last minute things done for college, working on Haikyuu!! Big Bang stuff and never ending Pennsylvania-electricity ending storms, I come back with whatever the Hell this is. 
> 
> My bad.


End file.
